The Chronicles of Outlook

(To be read aloud in a mellifluous baritone voice not unlike that of James Earl Jones or even, yes, Kelsey Grammer.)

Many ages ago there was a lone Mac All e-mail was POP. And the User was innocent and happy.

And then came the PC, with Outlook. And the Arts were charmed from the Mac, whilst the PC was plied for Commerce. And the User sought to sync the e-mail between the Mac and the PC. And lo, the user cc’d everything to himself. And the mail was manually sync'd and the User was pleased.

And then came the Palm Pilot to the LAN via the Dock, and the Palm Pilot could also do e-mail, and could also create Contacts and make Calendars. Behold, said the Manual, the Palm Pilot can sync to Outlook by conjuring with IntelliMirror. But alas! to only one computer or the other would the Palm Pilot connect, not to both.

And the Palm Pilot was docked to the PC, and the Mac was cc'd, and the User was satisfied.

And so it came to be that the User was entrusted with a copy of Exchange Server. And Exchange Server was powerful, and could track all of the e-mail and Contacts and Calendars, and verily, even sync them a across the LAN to the PC and the Palm Pilot and the Mac.

And so a second PC came to the LAN, and upon it was installed the Exchange Server software, and the Windows 2000 Server software.

And also came a copy of Mac Office, and verily the User now had Outlook on the PC and the Mac. And on the second PC, Windows 2000 Server and Exchange Server did abide, to sync back and forth and to hold and guard copies of every e-mail and contact the User had created since the dawn of e-mail. And the Palm Pilot invoked IntelliMirror to do it’s own bit of syncing as well. And calendars, appointments and tasks were globally synced, and there was much rejoicing across the LAN.

And so the User became the Admin. And life was good.

And verily I say unto thee, the Laptop came from the Dell and was brought into the LAN. And it was connected to the LAN by the Ether or verily without Wires. And the Admin was content because the Laptop from the Dell went anywhere and did not require a Dock. Thus it came to be that it was loaded with Outlook and it also synced with the Exchange Server. And the Palm Pilot became Obsolete and was allowed to blissfully live out it's remaining days in the Gadget Cabinet.

And life was good for nearly a quarter score, and the folk of the LAN grew prosperous, and fat with data!

And thence came the Move, and the Crash. And the Exchange Server bit the dust, and darkness fell over the LAN. And the Admin gnashed his teeth and pulled his hair, and despaired.

But all of the e-mails and contacts and appointments were saved, stored on an old account in a lone PC, and yea! that PC was backed up righteously! Yet there were many Contact folders from innumerable syncs, and many duplicate e-mails as well. And so began the Time of the Outlook Troubles. For Outlook grew confused, and the Admin decried Outlook, for it was a sickly PIM, and therefore must be cleansed and reborn.

And a dread and powerful Microsoft Daemon named “Detect and Repair” was invoked. And lo this powerful Daemon didst then descend upon Outlook, and the Daemon smote the .pst & .ost files with a mighty whirlwind a and terrible fire! Yea, for when the dust had settled Outlook once again glinted as though new, and shone as bright as the brightest silver coin.

Yet where the Daemon had passed the emails had vanished. The Contacts had disappeared, and the Calendar was empty! The .ost file could not be opened, for the .ost file is an Exchange File, with Strict Permissions! and Microsoft Security! And the Exchange Server was no longer on the LAN, for it had shuffled from this mortal coil after the Move and the Crash, ne’er to return.

Mortal terror struck the Admin because no e-mails could be retrieved, nor any of the Contacts accessed. And none of the Calendars showed appointments. And it came to be known across the LAN that the .ost file was locked and guarded by the Phantom of The Exchange Profile.

And the Admin didst then wander from the LAN, and out in to the Internet. And lo, a Subtle Daemon was found. The Daemon was not from Microsoft, for it was profound, and called itself ost2pst, and proclaimed itself a Free Utility. And the ost2pst Free Utility subtly reset the Strict Permissions, and with guile stole past Microsoft Security and vehemently exorcised the Phantom Profile.

The Daemon then deftly unlocked and converted the Unholy .ost file into a Blessed .pst (in less than 15 minutes, which ain’t bad when working with a 410MB .ost file.)

And the Blessed .pst file was imported into the Shiny New Outlook, and the e-mails magically reappeared, and the Contacts were returned, and the Calendar was filled! And the shadow began to lift from the LAN.

Yet still Outlook was vexed by many and sundry Contact folders, which caused the Wandering Address Book to be listless and dazed. And so the final wizardry was prepared.

Email accounts were backed up yet again, and the mighty “Change Directories or Address Books” spell was spoken and clicked with hushed tones, and the vile and hollow Contact folders were cast into the void. And Yea I say unto thee, the POP account was banished, and the IMAP account born, for the Hosting Company DOTH SUPPORT THE IMAP PROTOCOL!

And the Mac and the PC ,and the Laptop from the Dell, and yea even the odd Linux from Ubuntu now happily sync e-mail. And once again the sun shines and the birds sing in the LAN of the Admin (until the next time that Outlook steps on its own dick.)

The End.